The Light We Carry
Walking through the messiness of self-awareness and deepening trust
Most of my writing has been about my own experiences, lessons, and growth. I love writing about “aha-moments”, experiences that brought clarity and shifted how I see myself or the world. They say the best way to learn something is to teach it, and I’ve found that to be true. Most of the time, when I share an idea or a concept, I share it from understanding, but not always from full embodiment and mastery.
I speak often about stillness, slowing down, and gaining clarity from a place of inner peace. And yet, slowing down has never come naturally to me. It took time to train my nervous system to understand that slowing down is safe.
At first, stillness felt unsafe. Slowing down brought up old emotions, ready to be processed and released, as they always are. I had to ask myself, What do I (my nervous system) fear will happen if I slow down?
A flood of thoughts and emotions surfaced:
“I’m wasting time.”
“There are other things I should be doing.”
“Have I earned my rest?”
“It’s not safe to fully let go and trust the process.”
“I’m falling behind.”
My nervous system wanted safety. It wanted certainty and clarity. But it only knows what it has experienced so far. Feeling safe in the now and slowing down was new. I didn’t know that safety comes after softening into the present moment and not from bracing the worst case scenario. Over time, I learned that I could teach myself something new. I could deepen my trust.
If I’m honest with myself, all my striving and trying didn’t actually change my life. Life unfolded. I took some of the opportunities presented to me. I kept learning and growing. The things I fought hardest for didn’t work out, not because I failed, but because they weren’t meant to. More aligned people and opportunities met me as I continued forward.
Every time I fought against life, every time I tried to swim upstream, I lost what mattered most to me. I lost my peace and trust in life. I was either proving someone else wrong or proving myself right. While those struggles did help me break through many barriers and limitations, they also taught me something important: when I remove my ego from the story, the story begins to flow.
This in-between space is what I call the messiness of self-awareness. It’s dark, heavy, and confusing. It’s the part I sometimes don’t want to write about. I want to skip ahead to harmony and flow. But the truth is, the only way to develop deeper faith in ourselves and in life is to move through the dark moments. Darkness invites us inward. It’s where we rediscover the light that has always lived within us.
Recently, I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. She asked me about my coaching. We had met at my first weeklong retreat with Dr. Joe Dispenza in San Diego, so I knew this analogy would resonate with her.
As I searched for words to describe my work, a visual came to me. I told her:
“I see my coaching like this: I’m walking on a path with my clients. It’s dark outside, and there’s a sense that it might get darker before it gets lighter. My clients usually come on this walk carrying a big, heavy bag. Inside that bag is a light they’ve always carried, but they don’t know where to begin looking for it, and it’s already pretty dark.
I hold my light high to illuminate the path ahead. I remind them that it’s okay to slow down, maybe even to put the bag down for a moment. I’ll stay right here, holding my light, while they sort through what they’re carrying and find their own.”
My friend loved the visual.
Later, I shared it with one of my clients, and she encouraged me to turn it into an illustration. Not long after, she reached out to tell me she had shared some of my guidance with a family member. I reminded her that now she was holding the light while someone else searched for theirs.
The beautiful truth is this:
what you seek is also seeking you – Rumi.
For those who begin their inner journey, who are willing to look within and face their own darkness, the right guide will appear. And for those of us who’ve experienced even a glimpse of that light, there’s a natural desire to share it. Almost an urge to say, “You don’t have to walk in the darkness all alone. There is another way.”
But not everyone is ready. People arrive at this threshold at different stages of life, and some may never choose to look within. I won’t pretend to understand why. I trust there’s a reason beyond my current comprehension.
This becomes especially difficult when those people are our loved ones. We see their suffering. We see how they hurt themselves and others. Their relationships feel chaotic, dramatic, and heavy. We want to share what we’ve learned, starting with accountability and self-reflection. But just as slowing down once felt unsafe for me, many people feel safest inside their familiar chaos. Anything outside that frequency feels unknown and threatening to their nervous system.
I’ve made a conscious choice to stop focusing my energy on those who aren’t ready, no matter how deeply I love them. Their timing will come. I may need to set boundaries or create distance, but I won’t stop believing that their light is just as real as mine. In the meantime, I will continue holding mine high for those who are ready to walk the path of self-discovery.
The messy part isn’t easy. I encourage everyone to seek some form of guidance, even if it starts with a book. For a long time, the universe communicated with me through books. Then, when I was ready, it sent teachers. Retreats. Coaches. Healers. Each arrived exactly when I needed them.
As my self-awareness expanded, so did my desire to go deeper. Life met me at every stage with the right people. Some triggered me and pushed me beyond my comfort zone. Others held space for me, cried with me, healed alongside me, celebrated with me, and evolved with me.
The messiness is part of the process. See it as residual energy from the chaos that once felt “normal.” Your nervous system is waiting for you to step into your power, to trust yourself, connect with your divinity, and take accountability. It’s almost like your inner child learning to trust you, while you are learning to trust God, the creation of all life.
If you’re in the messy part, let that be okay. When the weight feels too much, slow your breath. Feel your body where you are. Place a hand on your heart and remember that its steady rhythm is guided by an intelligence far greater than fear.
You are held. You are supported. You are not walking this path alone. And this season, no matter how uncomfortable, will pass.
Keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and there will always be someone or something holding that light for you. One day, the torch will be passed to you. And you won’t have to chase anyone or prove anything. Those who need your light will find you.
Very good insights and perspectives. I am restacking.
Ha-ha-ha ... try your late 70's! Talk about late to the party.